The Candy Man

Title: The Candy Man

Author: SassyInkPen (12/11/2001)

Fandom: TNG

Pairing: ALL

Rating: R

Part: 1/1

Summary: Here's my entry for the Candy Challenge - please don't hold it against me, I couldn't help myself.

Disclaimer: Other people own these characters and they wouldn't want this anyway. I couldn't possibly make money off it.


The Candy Man


The away team materialized on the surface of the planet, and immediately Data began casting about with his tricorder. He stopped suddenly and pointed, "The anomalous energy readings are coming from that direction, Sir."

"Good boy," said Captain Picard, and the group set off up a small hill. As they reached the top and looked down into the valley, they saw what appeared to be an old fashioned factory.

"Data, report," clipped Riker.

Data smacked the tricorder a couple of times and then said, "It appears to be an old fashioned factory."


They approached the heavy doors cautiously. Picard looked to Deanna Troi, "Can you sense anything, Counselor?"

Troi's eyes took on a possessed gleam, "I smell chocolate!"

Picard backed up a step or two as Riker examined a large rope hanging to one side. "Well, here goes," he said, tugging on it several times.

A small wooden door at about eye level snapped open. An odd creature stuck it's head out and screeched, "Who rang that bell?!"

Before they could respond, the creature disappeared and sounds of a scuffle could be heard. Then the large doors swung open. A strange man in a purple velvet coat and top hat smiled apologetically, "Please, come in. We've been expecting you."

"Expecting us?" Picard asked suspiciously.

"Always expect the best and you'll rarely get the worst," said the man. "Come, come, come. We must hurry. We've got little to do and all day to do it."

"Excuse me, Sir, but can you tell us where we are?" asked Data.

"Why, my dear boy," he spun around, purple coat tails flying, "it's the most wonderful place in the world!"

"Which world?"

"My world. I'm Willy Wonka and this is my candy factory." He turned abruptly and headed inside. The members of the away team glanced at each other and followed him inside.

Wonka ushered them into a huge room that resembled an arboretum. It had a great brown river flowing through it.

"What is this place?" sighed Troi reverently.

"This is the Chocolate Room. We have the only chocolate mixed by waterfall."

"It''s beautiful..." she said, shuddering, eyes glazing over.

Picard tried to step around her, but tripped and plunged into the streaming chocolate.

Wonka gasped in horror, "My chocolate is *never* touched by human hands!"

"That's ok," snorted Riker, "neither is he."

As Wonka rushed over, Picard crawled onto the bank, covered from head to foot in chocolate. He blinked up at Wonka who cocked his head, "What a wonderful idea! Chocolate Covered Captains. They'll be the hit of Star Fleet."

He leered at Picard and licked his lips as he helped the man up, "Come on and let me help you get cleaned up, Mon..ah...Mr. Picard." He turned to the rest of the group. "Go along with my little Oompa Loompoids and we will join you later." With that, he led a rather reluctant Picard out the side door.

Beverly squealed with excitement, "Ooooooh...Why don't we *all* get to be dunked in chocolate?!"


As the Oompa Loompoids led the rest of the away team down the hall, Riker hung back slightly, tugging on the sleeves of Worf and Data. "Let's have a look around for ourselves, see if we can figure out what's going on."

They turned a corner and headed off. Soon they found themselves in a great round room that was many stories high. The three men looked around the strange room.

Riker noticed a cart loaded with several brown bottles and strode over to it. Picking one up, he read, "Riker Root Beer." He grinned stupidly, "Well, what do you know." He twisted the cap off and offered the bottle to Worf, as he took another for himself, "Should we give it a try?"

Worf eyed it with a dirty little smile and said, "Nice presentation," before deep-throating the bottle and draining it's contents.

"Sir," said Data, a bit hesitantly, "it is unwise to consume a substance without determining what effect it may have on you."

"Oh, Data, you need to live a little," said Riker tipping back his bottle. As he did so, both he and Worf began to rise off the ground floating higher and higher. "Data, report," called Riker.

Data aimed his tricorder up at them and said, "It would appear that the carbonation in the beverage is designed to produce large amounts of gas in those who consume it, causing them to float."

Riker began swimming around and giggling like a school girl. "What's the matter Worf? You look a little green."

"I've never been good with anti-gravity situations."

"Commander!" yelled Data, "There is a large fan overhead, and at your present rate of ascension you will hit it in 2.7 minutes."

"Well, how do we get down?" called Riker.

"My analysis shows that if you release the pent up gas, your own weight will bring you down."

Riker let out a tremendous fart and plummeted to the floor like an anvil. As he lay there in a heap, Data looked down at him and said, "I believe it would have been better to belch several times, in order to make a more controlled landing."

From overhead came a series of sounds like a mating Targ, as Worf belched his way down and landed neatly next to them.

Riker got up, "Let's go find the others."


The officers wandered through the maze-like structure looking for their friends and attempting to make sense of their surroundings.

"Commander," said Data, poking at his beloved tricorder, "I believe I have found Dr. Crusher and Counselor Troi. They are heading this way."

They turned the corner and stopped dead in their tracks. Counselor Troi was coming down the hallway, rolling what appeared to be an enormous blueberry with Beverly's head attached to it.

"Data, report," barked Riker.

Data whipped the tricorder at him, "How the hell would I know? I was with you!"

Troi stepped between them. "The Oompa Loompoids were showing us their latest experimental products and Beverly gobbled up something called Crusher Chewing Gum. They tried to tell her it hadn't been tested yet, but you know her - anything for more face time."

Just then Willy Wonka approached, dragging a rather haggard looking Picard with him. When the Captain saw Beverly, he blew up, "All right, I've had it! I demand to know what's going on, right now! Now, now, now!"

Wonka looked at him slyly, wagging a finger, "Temper, temper, temper." Then he snapped his fingers.

In a flash of light, they were all standing on the bridge of the Enterprise. Picard whipped around, "Q! What it the meaning of this?!"

Q lounged in the Captain's chair, "You know me, Picard, anything for a challenge." With that, he snapped his fingers again and disappeared, leaving behind a large basket of candy.

Troi pounced on it, "The chocolate's mine!"